I wake to the sound of monsoonal rains out of my window and I can hear the sound of monkey paws slapping and sliding across the marble floor of the roof top yoga area. This is where the young monkeys love to play when it is wet outside while the older monkeys observe from the trees, occasionally leaving their perch to keep the peace when the kids get too rough with each other. I pull back my curtain and Mother Ganga is alive, still flowing, still the source of life, still consistent with her energy.
It has dawned on me today that this is my last week in India. Three months have passed like a cool swift breeze that leaves you dazed with the change. The thought is dizzying to think that my entire life has been flipped (In the best of ways) in such a short time.
I feel myself start to fall down, down and deep into a place that isn’t quite dark but it is not quite light either, its a strange in between place where action is required as this could go either way from here.
Staring at the ceiling I reminisce on my teachings, lessons and growth and cannot believe the contrast of the girl who arrived here three months ago, my thoughts flow and I am now telling myself I will struggle to communicate this change to people when I arrive home. I am not the same person. In what ways? it is not that simple.
How can integrate with my past reality when I am not living in that mind anymore?
During my stay in India I feel as though I have experienced different levels of consciousness, so much so I have understood enough to appreciate that everyone lives so vividly in their own reality, a reality so different to our own but just as vibrant as the one you’re using to read this post with.
We all just want to be understood, but we will never be understood. We don’t even understand ourselves.
I have learned a lot about connection during this journey, connections that go beyond superficial and penetrate to connect on a subtle level. Connections where no words need to be spoken, its an energy that is shared. I don’t know what it is about these connections that makes it different, perhaps it is meeting people that are living on a similar level of consciousness or awareness? People who are aware of love? or people who understand love? I really don’t know. Its a feeling that I cannot articulate. Its something that cannot be categorised.
These connections have made me feel so at home within myself while being so far away from my physical home. But I understand that I cant hold onto my desires or attachments forever, there is a point of goodbye, there is a separation that must happen. If this trip has taught me anything it is that I needed to develop within myself the capacity to make my way through the darkness without companions, maps or guides.
When you are alone you’re not alone, you’re simply lonely, there is a large difference between loneliness and aloneness, when you are lonely you are thinking of a connection, you are missing the connection. I have discovered is a negative state to be living in, feeling as though life would be better if the connection was there. However aloneness is positive, it is the presence of oneself, a presence so full it could fill the universe and there is no need for anyone else. All of this internal work, must be a devotional song to our selves.
When I first started looking within I noticed two things, The height and depth of this space I was looking into as if I were peeking through a tiny opening at the top of an infinite cave, inch by inch I overcame fears and started entering, I spent so much time in this cave that all of a sudden it became my reality, it became my situation. This is where I felt the shift of consciousness.
Breaking it down with no value on the past or future I can only accept this moment for what it is. The journey will continue and arriving home is just another part of the story, another opportunity for growth, another offer to go further into myself and embrace the aloneness.
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500RTY Journal entries are posts about my raw experience of the highs, lows, challenges and lessons during my Yoga Training in India. I have a diverse range of posts here on A Wanderlust Soul. If you’re looking for something a little different I recommend checking out the below posts…
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